Things I wanted to say
by NuhaH
Summary: This is something less serious and about how I say everything (or some things) I've wanted to say to AC characters, not all of which makes sense. {Insert more intro stuff here} Enjoy :)
1. Haytham Kenway

**This is basically the things I've wanted to say to AC characters without the risk of them hitting me in the face or something. Most of these things come out of the blue and are completely random so don't expect any logical thinking here. Any suggestions and reviews are appreciated and we will begin with one of my favourites: Haytham Kenway.**

Things I've wanted to say to Haytham Kenway:

Your hat looks like a taco

I order you to HUG your son!

"Tasted of the forest fruits, did you?"  
What I expected you to reply: "DAMN RIGHT I LIKE THE FOREST FRUITS!"

I have the sudden urge to punch your face sometimes

Why are you so cool!? Templars aren't allowed to be cool

Where do you buy Taco-hats, I want one

I just realised I get most of my insults come from a fictional character

Do you like tomatoes? I don't.

How much for the Taco-hat?

I feel clever knowing you have never heard of a taco

Connor killed Charles Lee after he murdered you…I'll just let that sink in…

Do you never change your clothes or do you just have several of the same outfits?

Change your outfit, go to the Mall or somethin'

No seriously, it used to be cool but wearing that thing every day isn't right

You left Ziio, have you no soul?

I just wanted to make you feel bad, but srsly, leaving Ziio was not cool

Actually, ignore what I said because if you stayed, Connor would have become a TEMPLAR

Can I pleeeeeeeease, have the Taco- hat?

You couldn't pronounce your wife's name…

Or knew your son's real name (and probably couldn't pronounce that either) …

You suck at names

You're lucky you don't have to deal with slow Wi-Fi

I was hoping to surprise you by telling you your dad was an Assassin but you already know that :3

Sorry, but can Taco- hats make you fly?…y'know…just asking…DON'T JUDGE ME 0.0

I give you respect for not wearing ridiculous powdered wigs

What's with your face? I mean you look exactly the same twenty years later apart from the fact your hair is grey

I KNEW IT!

You're a Time Lord! What else can explain your agelessness?

Or you could just use a lot of anti- aging cream or something…

Haytham and Ziio sitting in a tree, K-I-S-…

Ok, ok, don't kill me, I have a Tomahawk!

Don't question where I got it from!

Yes it is Connor's but he doesn't know that I have it :3

How did I manage to get it? I'm a ninja.

Your sarcasm, I applaud it.

Your new title shall be: HAYTHAM KENWAY – GRAND **SASSMASTER** OF THE TEMPLAR ORDER

Hope you like it, it suits you very well

What does 'sassmaster' mean? You have the internet

Yea, about the Wi-Fi…the 18th century isn't within range…

TOMAHAWK CHOP!

**There you go. I might return to Haytham again if I feel like 'saying' anything else to his character. This was the result of excessive amounts of boredom. Avoid it.  
****A lot of this doesn't make sense but I had fun while it lasted and may make more with other characters.  
****As always, thx for reading**


	2. Achilles Davenport

**This chapter isn't as long or as good as the last but it's a start. Achilles is a character I'll be coming back to like Haytham and I'm willing to take any suggestions of what you guys want to say to different AC characters. Achilles was suggested to me by MerlinTardis; sorry if it isn't up to scratch, writers block still hasn't seem to have gone away but thanks for reviewing and reading.**

Things I wanted to say to Achilles Davenport:

GET THE HELL OFF MAH LAWN!

You are annoyingly awesome simply because you OWN Connor with words and a walking stick.

Omg, what if the younger version of you appears in AC4? Say hi to Edward for me!

It would be pretty cool if you were my grandpa or something

On second thoughts, you may hit me with your cane if I don't eat my brussel sprouts.

Why'd you die!? For an old man you're a BAMF and you die!?

At least your hat doesn't look like a taco

"What's true and what is aren't always the same" #lifelessonsfromAchilles

Feel free to slap Connor once in a while or just hit him with the cane, whichever suits you

Gimme a hug, you depressed old man.

Don't even think about using that cane, I still have Connor's tomahawk and I'm a ninja

Have you tried, like, actually getting off your butt and fixing the homestead?

Oh right, just make Connor do all the work. I would have done the same.

I feel sorry for you but sometimes I want to hit you like so many other characters in the game

I'm disappointed in you Achilles, you teach Connor all this Assassin stuff but not how to get a girlfriend?

Nod at the bird and people DIE, everywhere people DIE!

Achilles Davenport- whooping the butts of badass assassins like a boss

Did you like, shrink or something? Your old assassin robes fit Connor and he is hella huge while you're well…short.

What do you feed that guy!? He was so thin and you made him GINORMOUS!

All the cool characters die in this game…

**I know, this chapter is pretty short but I'll return to Achilles to annoy him some more. This chapter wasn't as great but there will be improvement and feel free to leave suggestions.  
****Until next time…**


	3. Altair Ibn-La'ahad

**I have no idea why you guys like these but hey, I'm not complaining. Altair, as suggested by MJluver777. I won't do Edward Kenway until the game comes out and I get a copy or watch a walkthrough, since I need to know a little more about him. As always, suggestions for characters and whatever are welcome.**

Things I've wanted to say to Altair Ibn-La'ahad:

YOU NOVICE!

What do you think of 'Maltair'? There's a lot, and I mean a lot of it on this site.

Mariaaaaaaaaaaaaa Mariaaaaaaaaaaaaa

What's with your ginormous belt, sure it looks cool but it doesn't look like it can hold much, can it?

Are you like, from the Matrix or something? You and your descendants jump around on walls and things like gravity never existed.

What pill did you take? The blue or red one?

Imagine if you, Aladdin and the Prince of Persia worked together or something

I think you would need a magic carpet more than you need Aladdin

Now I'm thinking of you singing Disney songs and how messed up that would be

A whole new wooorld….

Don't you think Haytham and Ziio were like Pocahontas and John Smith but on a less cheesy and happy scale? Just the concept of it.

Oh right, you haven't met them.

Haytham is your descendant that became a Templar,

Ziio is from- I'm guessing you haven't heard of America,

And Disney, well, see for yourself

When I asked my friend if she knew who Malik was she thought I was talking about Zayn Malik 0.0  
That was terrible.

No, assassinating One Direction isn't a good idea since you will probably get assassinated yourself by angry fangirls.

Why can't you swim; you're meant to be a skilled assassin.

Fair point, you do live in the middle of a desert

Betcha can't climb trees either.

Thought so.

Oh right, I stole this tomahawk from your descendant, Connor

Let me give you some advice; don't steal tomahawks from angry assassins unless if you're a Gallifreyan ninja with a Tardis.

Don't worry, I'll return it…eventually

You should give Malik a 'hand'

Sorry, cruel joke.

Give him a hug instead

Here's a donut, by the way. Not sure why I wanted to do that, but ok.

You are meant to eat it.

Do you by any chance know where I can get a fez?

**Tadaa! I'll update whenever I can but things are bit busy right now.  
****Until next time…**


	4. Malik Al-sayf

**Greetings! Here is another chapter of randomness, where I talk to Malik (as suggested by MerlinTardis – thanks for reviewing!) As always, suggestions are welcome and I'm posting a double chapter since homework hasn't been too much of an issue. Ninjas, Tomahawks, Taco-hats and Tardises, yep, that's everything in a nutshell.**

Things I wanted to say to Malik Al-sayf:

At least you're not a novice

Do you mind explaining why Altair has an American accent when America hasn't really been discovered yet?

Go on, give Altair a hug

He has a donut

Trust me, they're awesome. Try it.

Aww you guys are sharing!

Shut up Altair, this isn't your chapter.

Malik, high five!

No, teh other hand.

I just high fived Malik Al-sayf 0.0

Oh right, I'm a ninja. And that's my time machine.

I'm sorry; I can't get your bro back, fixed point in time.

Shut up, Tardises are cool

Your accent is Awesum. 1D songs would be so much better if they were sang with your accent.

Babeh yo liyet up my vorld like no vody else… (That was terrible; I won't even try that again)

No, I'm not a fan of 1D

And no, assassinating them is not a good idea; I had this conversation with Altair!

That rhymed, sort of.

Maybe if you 'Nod at the bird' you might still have your arm, just sayin

Of course birds appear in random underground temples! Have you no logic?

Have you ever tried eating with chopsticks?

Here, try it

MALIK, YOU NOVICE, YOU GOT RAMEN ALL OVER MY NEW TOMAHAWK!

It's not a bad spoon, actually

Know where I may get a taco-hat? Or perhaps a fez?

One of my favourite Malik lines:  
Altair: Safety and Peace, Malik  
Malik: Your presence deprives me of both  
Then later  
Altair: Safety and Peace, Malik  
Malik: Your presence here will deliver us both

AWWWWW

You two are like best bros and why? Because of Altair's stupidity and your ability to dampen his huge ego.

You actually look pretty cool in assassin robes.

If only I could save you from getting your head chopped off T-T

Why Malik!? Why do you have to die? :(

Ubisoft, what is your issue with killing off good characters? Do you _like_ making us sad?

I hate it when an awesome character that deserves a happy ending, doesn't get one.

DAMN YOU UBISOFT! STOP MAKING EPIC GAMES AND KILLING THE EPIC PEOPLE IN THEM!

Ahem, Malik, I shall let you share a donut with Altair in peace

I may even start shipping Maltair, and that's unexpected

Shuddap, you two could easily make a match

Just bros…riiiight

Anyhow, I got places to be so…

NINJA-OUT

**There ya go! I know you guys have been suggesting other peoples but don't worry; I'll get through as many as I can  
****Until next time…  
****Tardis, what are you doing on the wall? Get down from there you're not Spiderman!**


	5. Shaun Hastings

**Hellooo, everyone. This chapter is on Shaun and was suggested to me by .pr. As always I'm open to suggestions. Some of you have been asking for Connor, Ezio, Leonardo or others and it's not that I haven't taken you guys on board, it's just that these guys are good characters that I want to keep for later or that I'm still dreaming up things I want to say to them. Anyhow, let us begin…**

Things I wanted to say to Shaun Hastings:

SHUT UP, SHAUN. JUST SHUT UP.

No, I don't appreciate your humour.

Bet you like tea, too.

Does Ubisoft have a grudge against British people? Killing redcoats, then killing more British in AC4, then they make you goddamn annoying

Yes I do have a time machine and no, you cannot observe it in the name of curiosity

Have you by any chance heard of Galifrey? Or know where I may get a taco-hat?

You're an irritating smart British guy, that's why we all like you.

Bet you like Rebecca. Oh, pish posh, of course you do

See what I did there?

If you were my history teacher that would be pretty cool.

Actually scratch that, just playing Assassin's creed teaches me what I need to know

No, you cannot look at my new tomahawk, it's mine.

Of course I didn't! He let me borrow it…sort of.

Why don't you go drink some Earl grey tea or something?

Give Des a hug if he spontaneously comes back alive, and be sure to give him some crumpets

Wait, If Juno takes over the world does that mean no more crumpets!? Or taco-hats!? Or awesome tomahawks!?

GET IN THE TARDIS; WE HAVE A WORLD TO SAVE!

WE GOT CHARACTERS TO MEET, ASSASSIN'S TO ANNOY, AND TEMPLARS TO TROLL!

THEN, AND ONLY THEN, SHALL WE KICK JUNO'S BUTT

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT; I'M NOT ON CAPS LOCK!

OH RIGHT, I AM.

WAIT A MOMENT

WHY ISN'T IT WORKING!?

KEYBOARD, STAHP.

STAHP!

STAHHHHHP!

Ok, I'm fine now.

Shaun, don't be a noob

You know, when things get so bad, sometimes the only way to respond to it is with sarcasm. Thank you Shaun, for being utterly irritating and always making me want to rip your head off.

Shaun Hastings is such a posh name. Is Ubisoft being stereotypical again?

No, Shaun, I am not 'on crack'.

Anyhow there's something I must do.

Did that hurt!? YUS, I DID JUST FALCON PUNCH YOUR FACE. NOW-

OH GOD, CAPS LOCK WHY DO YOU HATE ME?

OH WELL, IT'S TIME TO GO…

…ADVENTURE TIME!

**There ya go! I was just wondering what it would be like if Shaun were the Doctor's companion. For those of you who aren't whovians, the Doctor is a Gallifreyan (time lord) who goes around in a police box(Tardis); which is also a time machine and saves Earth and other planets from cataclysmic events. If you didn't catch that, just watch Doctor Who (and no, I am not affiliated or endorsed by the BBC). I'll try not to put too many Doctor Who references since I'm aware not all of you are whovians.  
****Until next time…**


	6. Connor (Kenway)

**I give you…..Connor! I think you guys have been waiting for this one and it's a character I'll come back to like Haytham and Achilles. It's longer than the other chapters since I've had a lot to say to this guy. This was suggested by Sydney (guest) who also requested twerking in the chapter. Just…no. Connor plus twerking would probably create a paradoxical black hole that would suck up the entire universe. In short, they don't go together very well so no, having Connor twerking…just no…**

Things I wanted to say to Connor/ Ratonhnhake:ton:

Are you familiar with online dating?

You really need to get a girlfriend

Of course you do! C'mon, what about Aveline? Or Deborah Carter? There must be at least _one_ girl

You said you were gonna settle down and have a family, when does that happen, huh? But noooo, you have to be like: Nah, I got to many people to kill n' stuff

Oh yes I have your tomahawk

No, don't threaten me, I'll give it back when I see fit

Connor, it's not a great idea to mess with Time-travelling ninjas

Touché, it's not a great idea to mess with badass Assassins either

Oh that's Shaun, don't talk to him, he's a douchebag

Shut up, get back in the Tardis! Seriously, Shaun!? Do you want me to make you get back in there?

I thought so, ahem, anyway Connor, why did your mum call you Ratonhnhake:ton?

I mean, no offence to your people (or Native Americans in general) but it's a pretty long and unpronounceable name.

And why _that_ name- it means 'a life that is scratched'- isn't there a better name for you out there?

To come to think of it; all the Assassins have long names – Altair Ibn Lahad, Ezio Auditore da Firenze then Ratonhnhake:ton.

Couldn't you guys just be called Tom, Fred and Bob? There's nothing wrong with those names, right?

Good thing Achilles decided to call you Connor or we'd be here for ages trying to figure out your name.

What does the old man feed you anyway!? You're HUGE! And I don't think steroids were invented in the 18th century…

HOW MANY FOOLS CAN I KILL TODAY

TOO MANY TO COUNT DON'T GET IN MY WAY

I SHOOT A MOFO IN THE THROAT WITH MY BOW

TOMAHAWK CHOP IS MY DEATH BLOW!..

Sing with me now-

Don't be a spoilsport! This entire song is based off of you!

Woah woah woah, I'm pretty sure Smosh aren't Templars

Says the man who can't talk to girls

May I advise for your own health and safety, do not even try reading Assassin's creed Fan fiction

The archive is full of love stories…yes you, falling in love

I have nothing against these stories but, seriously, some of these stories have scarred me for life

Some of them include you and George Washington…'getting it on'

Or em, you having some 'intimate sessions' with people

These are written by your fangirls, half of which want to marry you or um, 'do stuff' to you

Let's be honest, it's gonna be a while before you…you know…with a girl

Wait a sec-

You have a Taco-hat too! With your Captain outfit!

I must say, you inherited your Father's sense of style

Where did you get one? I'll consider returning the tomahawk…or not

Fine then, I'll find my own Taco-hat!

I ORDER YOU TO HUG YOUR FATHER!

Your dad had the same reaction

Oh well, if I tried to hug you I'm pretty sure my arms wouldn't fit around your waist since you're so HUGE!

Could I go back in time and hug your five year old self? You just lost your mum and hugs make things that little bit better

Do you not smile because of lack of hugs in your life? You should be happy more, Connor

Oh yes I am a fangirl too.

NO! I don't wanna do 'things' to you! I'm a bit young for that…

If you were a Disney character you would be Tarzan **(shout-out to Cookie Killer)**

The concept of Disney, ah well, think of it this way; movies that make kids believe in fairies, princesses and monsters then when you're old enough you're told it's all a lie. Sounds great, doesn't it?

You know what, you should smile more.

You don't look too bad smiling.

Smile now

Oh come on, it's not that hard

Yep, with that you'll have the fangirls running

Dammit Connor! HOW THE HELL DID THE FANGIRLS GET A TIME-MACHINE TOO!?

RUN, BADASS EAGLE ASSASSIN MAN, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

GET IN THE TARDIS, THEY'RE TOO FAST!

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Well, that was close

Yep, it's bigger on the inside.

Try not to kill Shaun while you're here, I'll drop you off when the coast is clear

No, I don't expect you to be okay with me bundling you into the Tardis

Shut up Eagle man.

Shaun, hug him

You shut up too, Shaun

I've only seen you hug one person, and that was your mum in Tyranny of King Washington

In that alternate universe you basically got stoned on tea

You drugged yourself with tea, Connor. You got stoned then got random powers

Since when could drugs give you bear, wolf and eagle powers?

If that stuffs legal I wanna get some of that tea

I guess that won't be a problem for me since practically every Britain-dwelling person likes tea

Let me re-phrase that –LOVES tea **(forgive me for being stereotypical here but I live in Britain myself and I'm just joking around)**

I get the 'no-touchy thing' stems from cultural roots but seriously, someone hugging you isn't that bad

Have you ever considered twerking?

OH THANK GOD! I was worried there for a sec – you turning into Miley Cyrus would've led to the destruction of the universe!

You know what – I think you should officially adopt the surname 'Kenway'. 'Connor Kenway' has a nice ring to it…

Do you think the Fangirls are gone? Lemme check…

AWW HELL NO! YOU DID NOT JUST SCRATCH MY TARDIS!

CONNOR, SHAUN, LET'S GO ASSASSINATE SOME FANGIRLS

I SAID 'SOME'! I'M NOT GONNA SLAP ALL OF THEM! JUST THE ONES THAT TOUCHED MY TARDIS

ANYWAY – GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY TARDIS, I HAVE A TOMAHAWK!

**Ah well, I got a little hype there… **

**Thanks to those who reviewed, favourited, followed or just read this!**

**Until next time people…**


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